Self Help
by StirFriedSammi
Summary: A little rendition of that fateful night Red finds Nicky in the bathroom. This is what I feel like would happen if they got more screen time together This is my first fanfic and it's a little more angsty than I meant it to be, but I hope you enjoy it, lol.


**11:23 PM.**

Red tiredly shuffles her way to the prison restroom, knowing damn well she'll have to permanently leave the comfortable grips of slumber behind in just a few short hours. Galina "Red" Resnikov has always been a prideful woman. She took great pride in the fact that she was responsible for feeding the women of Litchfield for the last 13 years. Her kitchen, she felt powerful there. But recently it had been trying her, both mentally and physically.

Pisca fucking Tella. That man had it out for her. Because of him she started her day at 3:30 am. She no longer felt as in control in her kitchen, for he would be up with her, watching her, waiting for her to break, for any signs of weakness. She knew better than to try to revolt directly in any way, so Red did what she did best, and remained strong. She would not break, If she has proven anything in her years at the prison, it is that she had a resolve that rivaled that of Blanca, the hispanic force of nature who would rather sleep upright and pee herself than let a CO have any power over her. She would remain strong, if not for herself, then for her family. Red was an example for the women she took under her wing, and she knew this.

She would rather die than be anything other than the respected Russian matriarch she had established herself as behind these walls.

Red sighs, entering the bathroom stall. But something was off. Upon entry to the restroom, she had a creeping feeling in her gut. Not the usual gut feelings one has when they walk into a restroom, but an instinctual one, one she had learned not to ignore. Her motherly instincts were strong. Not knowing what could possibly be going on this late at night, She decides to ignore it for the time being, if something required her attention, she would know it. Having relieved herself, Red exits the stall, already half-lidded with exhaustion. The sound of choking and gagging, then a slight thud coming from one of the shower stalls stops Red dead in her tracks. Shit. The feeling in her gut had returned in full force, shaking any feelings of tiredness from her mind.

Normally she would ignore it, it was not uncommon for some drunk inmate to take shelter in the restrooms, to either puke, cry, hide from the COs, or a combination of the three. But that fucking feeling.. Red cautiously makes her way to the stall, only hesitating slightly before gripping the curtain and pushing it fully open. Red gasps, The sight before her nearly making her heart stop.

Nicky. Nicky is sprawled out on the floor, a cigarette having apparently fallen out of her hand remained lit on the cold, moldy tiles. She lay on her right side facing the curtains, Her eyes are rolled back. Her knees folded into her chest underneath her oversized shirt, and her arms limply lie at her side on the floor, fingers twitching slightly. There is a trail of spit travelling down down her lip as if she had been electrocuted. She looked.. Dead.

"Nicky!" Red breathes, swaying slightly as she enters the stall and falls to her knees, ignoring the jolt of pain it sends up her spine. Rolling Nicky onto her back, frantic hands are on either side of her face immediately. Red's right hand feeling for a pulse, her left cups her cheek. Tears well up in her eyes when Red finds the faint thrum of life she had been searching for underneath Nicky's jaw. Red moves her hands underneath Nicky's armpits and hoists her up against the wall to ensure she doesn't choke on her own spit. There was no way this was caused by anything else. _She was using again so soon?_ _Where_ _th_ e _fuck did she get heroin?_ No... No. Red knew.

The night of the party Red had thrown for her when she returned from max, Nicky left with Angie. They had casually walked out together and returned a short time after, Nicky had had this look in her eye upon returning, A mischievous, nervous glint that Red knew all too well. But she had been too distracted by Alex and Lolly to question it too much that night, and all but forgot. _Shit_.

Red brushes the hair away from Nicky's face and holds it behind her head with one hand, The other firmly grips her left shoulder. She is now kneeling over Nicky, one knee between her legs and the other on her outside as she shakes her with force. "Nicky. Nicky! dammit, wake up!" Panic rising in her chest, Red starts when Nicky suddenly lurches forward against her shoulder, gasping for breath, Seemingly reacting to Red's presence. Red pushes Nicky back up against the wall to look at her face and puts a hand on her forehead. Nicky's eyelids begin to twitch. "Nicky..? Nicky, Can you hear me?" Red whispers harshly, casting a quick glance over her shoulder, suddenly aware of how much noise they were making.

Nicky's eyes flutter open, but they are incredibly unfocused, like someone who had just woken from surgery and was on lots of pain medication. Nicky shakes her head slightly, feeling extremely lightheaded, Suddenly aware of a presence in front of her.

"..Red?" Nicky's eyes begin to focus and she blinks rapidly, her voice nothing but a quick rasp. "Oh god.. I thought you were.." Red is unable to complete her sentence before she does the first thing that comes to mind. She pulls Nicky to her chest, hugging her tightly. Nicky just leans against her at first, then shifts uncomfortably, now fully aware of her situation, but still too lightheaded to move too much.

Red pulls back when she feels Nicky try to sit up more, and looks into her eyes, searching. The feelings of relief begin to fade when she realizes Nicky is awake, and for the most part okay. Anger begins to bubble deep within her chest. Red suddenly grips her face, forcing Nicky to look at her.

Red's eyes are intense and shift side to side rapidly. "What the _fuck_ were you thinking?" she growls out, "Where did you get it, huh? Did you learn nothing in max? Answer me, Nicky!" Red shakes her, and Nicky just looks at her blankly, unable to react to the quick succession of questions from the older woman. Nicky tries to squirm away, suddenly very uncomfortable, and cognizant enough to know she didn't have the energy to face Red in that moment.

Nicky lost herself while in maximum security. The guards were corrupt, and were as likely to tell you off for speaking to them as they were to sell you drugs. The other prisoners? You didn't make friends in max. At least half of the prisoners were in for violent crimes, or were drug lords, or were simply unfortunates like Nicky. Nicky's mouth would get her in deep, deep trouble in max. She realized this very quickly, and kept to herself. It ate away at her for the three months she was there, until finally, she broke. No Lorna, no Red... She was hopeless the night she used again. The same night she was signed to return to minimum security.

Oh god, she wanted so badly to melt into Red's arms when they finally reunited, To cry and tell her how badly she missed her, how badly she had suffered while in max. But her guard was up. She had that familiar itch within her again, and there were too many eyes and ears around. She would talk to Red alone, when they finally got a chance to. Only that chance never came. They hadn't had a second alone since Nicky had returned. In the moments they did speak, they jested with each other, it was lighthearted. Not that Nicky didn't live and breathe lightheartedness, but she felt different since coming out of max. She needed her mom. Lorna wouldn't listen either, too focused on her new fucking husband to give Nicky a chance to divulge her feelings.

No one gave her a chance to tell them how she _felt._ To Nicky, it was as if no one had the time for her. Christ, she had just gotten out of _max,_ and even her "family" wouldn't slow the hell down for one second to ask her how she was. She didn't know what was going on, but her itch was too strong to ignore at that point. So with or without them, she was going to satisfy her need. And she used. And used again. Then tonight, she found herself in the bathroom. Too fucking restless to sleep and too hurt to get help, she decided to get high.

Nicky's eyes hardened. "Get off me, Red." Nicky attempts to sit up again, but is held down by Red's hands, which have now moved back to her shoulders.

"No. Answer me Nicky, where are you getting it?" Red asks again, not in the mood for Nicky's evasiveness.

Nicky sneers. "What's it matter to you, huh? You don't need to be here, Red. I'm fine." Unable to meet Red's gaze, she looks anywhere but at her.

Red moves her face away and eyes widen slightly, taken aback. "I come in here and you're passed out on the fucking floor. stop it, Nicky. Talk to me." Red still sounds angry, but her worry for Nicky is growing by the second.]

Nicky laughs bitterly "Ohhh, so now you want to talk? Where have you been for the past week, huh? You know what, I wanted to tell ya Red, I did!" Nicky squeezes her eyes shut in frustration. "You've been so into your own bullshit lately that you never gave me a chance. I can handle myself Red, but if you wanna act like you care now, then forget it." Nicky knew she sounded like she was blaming Red, but she couldn't help it. She just hated how she had wanted to talk to her so badly but now that Red was acting all angry with her, it _got_ to her.

Red's mouth now hung open slightly, her hands had fallen to her sides, no longer touching Nicky, but she still knelt over her. Whatever she expected from Nicky, that wasn't it. Realization slowly flooded through her as her anger subsided.

Nicky scoffed at Red's shock, and started to stand up. She was bitter, and hurt. She craved Red's attention, but not like this. She didn't care if Red was angry with her, she could kick her out of the family if she wanted, it would hardly make a difference. She was alone since she had returned anyway. Before Nicky is able to stand up fully, a hand grips her wrist.

"Nicky, wait." Nicky looks down, a little taken aback at the look in Red's eyes. The look on her face was one of pleading, and exhaustion. She knew she and Nicky wouldn't get another chance to talk if she allowed Nicky to leave like this. Nicky lets Red pull her down to sit next to her.

Nicky sits with her knees to her chest guardedly, one leg bouncing with unrest, the effects of the heroin subsided enough that she could function, but felt horrible, both physically and mentally.

Red doesn't speak immediately. She looks at Nicky, pleading her with her eyes, "i'm sorry, Nicky. But please, just tell me you're okay first." Red shakes her head slightly, all anger gone, now replaced with worry for her daughter, and.. Guilt.

"When I came in here you were.. Are you okay, Nicky? Please tell me." Nicky scoffs and puts her head in one hand "i'm not dead. Not this time." Nicky shakes her head and her lip trembles slightly, her combatting emotions draining her more than she already was.

Red withheld the tears in her eyes, and reaches over, putting her hand over Nicky's. "I'm sorry, honey. You're right, I should have been watching. You needed me this whole time and i'm sorry I wasn't there for you." Red says quietly, squeezing her eyes shut and allows the tears to escape.

"I am not your fault, Red. I was too fucking weak to stay away, I know it. I just needed you so badly, and every time I tried, I.. you.." Nicky takes a steadying breath. "Oh god, I was so fucking alone in there, Ma. I missed you so much." She finally breaks down, the sight of Red's tears enough to rip away any desire to leave.

Red reaches for her. "Oh, come here, Nicky." They move closer to each other until finally Red wraps both arms around Nicky's shoulders tightly. Nicky's arms reach up and gripped the back of Red's shirt. All the anger and loneliness and struggle Nicky had felt finally being expressed as she cried. It hurt a lot more now that it had all come to a head like this, but she felt relief now that Red finally knew. She just allows Red to hold her, for now, this is all that she wants.

After a few minutes of just holding each other, Red pulls back slightly, her arms still around Nicky. Nicky looks up and into Red's eyes "You and I are going to get through this together, okay? I am so sorry, malyshka." Red sighs and pulls Nicky to her again. "But we both need to sleep. You're not alone, honey. Not anymore." Nicky nods and sniffles, standing up after a bit and helping Red up. They both walk back to the cubicles together, promising to see each other the next day and they would talk, and work through this, and heal whatever rift had grown between them.

AN: So it's a little, okay, a lot sadder than I originally intended. This is my first ever fanfic and I hope I come up with something a little less angsty next time, lol.


End file.
